Doolittle Evil Incorporated – Pixies live (Repeat)

An Evil Genius

I genuinely think this might be the best live review I’ve ever written …

Assorted Pixies are sitting round a conference table awaiting the entrance of their leader to plot their continuing world domination. The door opens. A bespectacled and balding evil mastermind enters and takes his seat.

David Lovering (for it is he): Right, people, we’re going to make shitloads of cash – again.

Kim Deal: Do we have to? I’ve got to finish the new Breeders LP – and I’m running out of time. I’ve only got 5 years left.

Frank Black: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

DL: Yes, we have to. Just think shitloads of money, Kim, shitloads of money. Of course that’ll mean playing arena shows again.

Joey Santiago: But doesn’t that mean the sound will be shite?

DL: No, Joey, we are The Pixies. We can do anything we want. We can sound good in aircraft hangars. In fact, never mind good, we can sound MAGNIFICENT in aircraft hangars! Anyhow since we’ve still not got any new songs I’ve decided that we’re going to jump on the ‘playing the classic album’ bandwagon.

Black Francis: Hur, hur, hur, hur.

JS: And play tracks from our best album, boss?

DL: Yes, Joey.

JS: Cool, I always loved ‘Surfer Rosa’.

DL: Well, yes, Joey. Except the unwashed masses, and especially their children, for some reason all seem to think that ‘Doolittle’ is our classic album, so we’ll make more money doing that instead.

FB: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

JS: That’ll be great boss, we can start with ‘Debaser’.

DL: No, Joey, that’s way too obvious. Let’s tease them a little, build up the anticipation. We’ll put some video up on the big screen first and over the course of about 10 minutes we’ll gradually take the stage and just stand around watching the videos for a while. Kim, since you’re so reluctant to do this, you can come on last – do you think you can handle that?

KD: Sure, boss.

BF: Hur, hur, hur, hur.

DL: Then we’ll start with some B-sides, maybe even something rubbish like ‘Do The Manta Ray’. At first they’ll cheer because they won’t know what’s happening but we can maybe chuck in a few more B-sides to keep them off balance. Then we can maybe, just maybe, even play a decent one like ‘Manta Ray’.

KD: Do we have to, boss? It sounds like a lot of hard work, I mean we’ve never played most of the B-sides before.

DL: Yes, Kim, we have to. Then just as everybody’s getting a little restless, we’ll kick-in with the album.

FB: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

JS: Sounds great, boss.

KD: So do we play the whole LP? Doesn’t that mean that we’ll be playing the better songs first?

DL: Well, yes, Kim, but that’s just the way these things work. Anyhow all our old fans will be so senile, that they’ll have forgotten the exact running order. They’ll be constantly surprised! I know I will be. And you can help by regularly telling them where we are, like in the middle of side one, end of side one and so on. Can you do that, Kim?

KD: Yeah, I think so, boss.

BF: Hur, hur, hur, hur.

JS: But what do we do then, boss?

DL: Obviously we leave the stage. But we’ll keep a couple of b-sides back for the encore. That way everything will be beautifully self contained – all ‘Doolittle’ era tunes.

FB: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

DL: I reckon we’ll have been on stage for nearly 70 minutes by this time, even though we’ll only have played for an hour. And of course, even allowing for the variable material and the fact that we’ve played some of these songs a thousand times before, we’ll have been QUITE fucken brilliant. So, we’ll hide backstage for a while and have those old cynical bloggers thinking that we’re ripping them off by not coming out again.

BF: Hur, hur, hur, hur.

KD: And then we go home, boss?

DL: Tempting, Kim, very tempting. But after tarnishing our reputation a little last time out I think we should redeem ourselves this time. We’ll do another, longer, BETTER encore! We will play 8 songs in a row from the first 2 records.

KD: Aw, boss, 8 songs in a row – that sounds tough. Do we have to??

DL: Yes, Kim, we do. And we will be COMPLETELY UNBE-FUCKEN-LIEVEABLY AWESOME. But I’ll cut you a deal. We can have a break after 7 songs and you and Blackfrank can ham it up as to what the last song will be. We need a little ham in the show. And after ‘Where Is My Mind’ everyone will leave knowing that we are the Pixies and the rulers of the world!! Now, who are we?

All: The Pixies!

DL: What can we do?

All: Anything we fucken well please!!

DL: OK, people, let’s go and make some money!

FB/BF: Heh, hur, heh, hur, heh, hur, heh, hur, heh.

PS The Pixies played the SECC on 4th October 2009 on the Doolittle redux tour. The above transcript is probably not how the pre-gig conversation went. Probably.

PS And, yes, I’m pretty sure that the title *is* a Phineas and Ferb reference.

2 Comments

  1. This review is fucking hilarious, did not attend this one but have seen enough Pixies gigs to appreciate…great work, did not read yer blog at the time so new laughs for me tonight! In return, you could check out The Iain Duncan Smiths on Soundcloud, best parody band ever..

    Cheers and hope to bump into you soon!

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