Senile Youth

Elderly rockers Sonic Youth are preparing for a show at Glasgow’s ABC.

Thurston – So, what are we going to play tonight?

Mark – Well, we’re billed to play Daydream Nation, so we should really do that.

Lee – Isn’t that one of our old ones? What would we do that for? We’re a forward looking band which never looks back.

M – Well, quite. I’m a little puzzled about it myself.

Steve – So if we’re playing Daydream Nation, what do we start with?

Kim – Kool Thing? That was quite good. I sang it.

M – No, that’s on Goo.

S – 100%?

M – (slightly exasperated) No, that was on Dirty. Daydream Nation came before that.

T – Yes, Bert, don’t be silly. It’s clearly Death Valley ’69!

M – (Exasperated) No! That was BEFORE Daydream!

L (looking excited) – Is it one of mine? Pipeline/Kill Time? Or Rats?

M – No! Lee, they never start an album with one of your songs!

L – Neither they bloody well do. (Looks hurt)

T – Beat On The Brat? Sheena Was A Punk Rocker?

M – NO! THEY WERE BOTH BY THE RAMONES!!! Look, here’s the record. It starts with Teenage Riot.

T – (less than convinced). Riiight. Then we play the other songs? Couldn’t we just play the CD then?

M – NO! There are people out there waiting to see you play and leap around!

T – Leap around?? Are you sure? And, any way, who are you, you young whippersnapper? The t-shirt man?

M – NO! I’m your bass player.

K – I’m fairly sure that I’M the bass player.

M – Well, you were until, well, you had problems …

K – What?

M – You had problems singing and playing at the same time.

K – What? (looks very hurt)

T – (jiggling around with excitement) I remember! I know who you are! You’re, you’re …., you’re JIM!

M (bangs head off table) – No, I’m not Jim. Jim’s … gone.

T – Gone?

S (shocked) – Do you mean he’s …?

L (horrified) – Has he …?

M – No! He just left the band.

T/K/L/S (horrified, in unison) – He left the band? Why would he do that?

M – He wanted to do other things. I’m Mark, I used to be in pavementtherockband.

T – Well, Mark-who-used-to-be-in-pavementtherockband you’ve caused us nothing but trouble since we met you tonight. You’ve told us that Jim is dead and worse that I didn’t write Beat On The Brat. So, as a punishment, you’re not going to play with us on the Daydream Nation set tonight. We’re going to play it the way we used to.

M- Aww, Thurston!

T – (Getting up to lead the band onstage). No, my mind’s made up. We’re going to play it the way we used to – as a trio.

The rest of the band nod their heads vigorously in agreement, then look puzzled as they do the maths.

T – (walking out the door) So how does Teenage Kicks go again?